We've lost seven of our last eight matches. The only team that we have beaten is Western Samoa. It's a good job we didn't play the whole of Samoa. Gareth Davies.

If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.Homer Simpson

Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned.George Bernard Shaw

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.Desmond Morris

Submitted by Louise Percival Friendship is the greatest gift of all - until you fancy the same boy

Submitted by Breanna Likely You'll never find a woman as good as your Mother so why am I still looking

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it laterF. Brooks, The Mythical Man-Month.

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing in the corners of our rooms.Alan Coren

Stop thinking, and end your problems.Lao Tzu

My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.Spike Milligan

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. General George Patton

Electricity is really just organized lightning.George Carlin

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.David Brent

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon playing golf. Henry Aaron.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. Pablo Picasso.

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. Jeffrey Bernard.

Women have a much better time than men in this world. There are far more things forbidden to them.Oscar Wilde

That's 'Mr. Smut Peddler' to you!Larry Flynt

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. Stephen Leacock.

I invented it, Bill made it famous.David Bradley (wrote the code for Ctrl-Alt-Delete on the IBM PC)

To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit.Enoch Powell.

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.Mae West

The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too.Anton Chekhov

Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs... since the payment is pure love. Mildred B. Vermont.

In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them.John Von Neumann

Submitted by Dylan Woodward I never fail, I simply succeed in finding what does not work.Mitch Hedberg

After The Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't all that many parts for lions.Bert Lahr.

What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics? Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.Mae West

The Prime Minister has nothing to hide from the President of the United States.Winston ChurchillStepping from his bath in presence of President Roosevelt.

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least. Robert Byrne.

Painting is the art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.Ambrose Bierce.

Sit down Rodney. Keep your brains warm.Derek ‘Del boy’ Trotter

Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house.Robert Heinlein

When the President does it, that means that it's not illegal.Richard Nixon.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.Lucille Ball

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.Will Rogers

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.Groucho Marx

I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.Woody Allen

Never floss with a stranger.Joan Rivers

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.Jeanne-Marie Roland

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. Charles Schulz.

Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.Will Rogers

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.Hugh Leonard

Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper. Rex Reed talking about Marlon Brando

I like marriage. The idea.Toni Morrison

I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.Groucho Marx

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.Robert Benchley

A word to the wise ain't necessary - its the stupid ones that need the advice.Bill Cosby

I never drink water, fish fuck in it.W.C. Fields

I invented it, Bill made it famous.David Bradley (wrote the code for Ctrl-Alt-Delete on the IBM PC)

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.Woody Allen

The Americans will always do the right thing . . . After they've exhausted all the alternatives.Winston Churchill

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.Joan Rivers

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.Zsa Zsa Gabor

Mona Lisa looks as if she has just been sick, or is about to be.Noel Coward.

Now that women are jockeys, baseball umpires, atomic scientists, and business executives, maybe someday they can master parallel parking.Bill Vaughan

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.Chevy Chase

Bessie Braddock to Churchill Winston, your drunk! Churchill: Bessie, you're ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober Winston Churchill

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.Bob Hope.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.Steven Wright

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.Michael Sinz

As long as algebra is taught in school, there will be prayer in school.Cokie Roberts

Operator, give me the number for 911!Homer Simpson

Dealing with [Television] network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.Eric Sevareid

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.Edsger Dijkstra

All I need to make comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.Charlie Chaplin.

Don't get suckered in by the comments— they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.Dave Storer

The House of Commons is the longest running farce in the West End. Cyril Smith.

At the age of six years I wanted to be a chef. At the age of seven I wanted to be Napoleon. My ambitions have continued to grow at the same rate ever since.Salvador Dali

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.Robert Orben

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.Mark Twain

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.Woody Allen

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.David Brent

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.Oscar Wilde

Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? Tom Lehrer.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.George Burns.

We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a 'part' of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a 'part' of Europe. Dan Quayle

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers.Daniel J. Boorstin.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try'.Homer Simpson

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.Bill Cosby

Chamberlain seemed such a nice old gentleman that I thought I would give him my autograph.Adolf Hitler.

That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing.Woody Allen

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.P. J. ORourke

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Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .Woody Allen

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...Steven Wright

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. Woody Allen

Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.Woody Allen

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.Spike Milligan

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks.

Twang him into a tree!Eddie Izzard

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.George Burns

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.Groucho Marx

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.George Carlin

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'Tommy Cooper

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.George Burns

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.George Carlin

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"Steven Wright

Submitted by JessicaWelcome to our OOL notice there is no P in it so lets keep it that way